after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
