i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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