I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
