tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
