My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
