Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
