Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
