i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
