i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How does it feel to date your dad?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
