If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
