Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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