Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
