She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
