every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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