I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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