the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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