does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
