Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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