Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
