I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
