I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
