wrigley field is MILF paradise
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
