you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
