I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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