new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
