Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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