I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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