you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
