I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
