I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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