I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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