you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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