I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
