matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
