someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
