I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
