If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
