There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
