Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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