Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
