based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
