I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
