He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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