i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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