fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
