Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
