what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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