we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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