my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
