My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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