Apparently you make a good broom.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
