I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
