i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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