So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Who died my cat blue again?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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