Will you blow on my dice?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
