I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
