am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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