i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
