Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
