you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
