I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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