My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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